Tuesday, January 25, 2011

bitter sweet

Valentines Day was my favorite holiday.
I say WAS because a few hours ago I realized I have no reason to love it as much as I always have in the past. I was laying in bed a few minutes ago thinking about this fact and drafting this post when I realized that I needed to write it now or I never would.
To me, Valentines Day has always been the best day of the year because it is a holiday centered completely around my 3 favorite things; love, pink and chocolate. What could be better than that?
This morning I looked at my calendar and realized that this day of love is in 3 weeks! That seems like a while I know, but when you have a boyfriend living in another state, and you have to take into account that (cheap) shipping takes about a week, then the time runs out faster than you would think. So I called up Jaxon eager to talk about what sort of gift he wanted me to send him, being that he is my valentine.
The conversation started simply. I was begging for ideas and throwing out suggestions when suddenly he says, "why don't we just blow off the holiday this year, after all it's just another day." Now, most people in a long distance relationship would find this comment fairly reasonable. After all, when I was in Europe last year Jax and I were basically forced to "blow it off". But to me, this was offensive. He does know that it is my favorite day of the year. And come on, what other day is there that is specifically set aside for every couple on the entire planet to celebrate love??
The conversation between the 2 of us ended quickly after that.
Laying in bed I began to think about why I was so bothered by this? Sure I love Valentines day, but come on, it's not really a big deal. And let's be honest, how much celebrating was I planning on doing by myself in lonely Logan?
Then I started to think back to all the other Valentine's Day experiences I have had in my 20 years of life. The earliest I can remember was way back in elementary school, making cute little boxes out of old cardboard for your classmates to put store-bought cards and candy in. I distinctively remember being scared to read the cards inside my box over the fear that a weird boy might have admitted his undying love for me. In elementary school I went through a frighteningly shy stage. I was terrified of every boy on the world. I will admit to staying in for recess in the 3rd and 4th grade because I was too nervous to go outside worried that a boy might chase me around the playground and try to kiss me. One time my family returned from vacation only to find a message on our answering machine from a boy in my class who had been 'dared' to call and tell me he had a crush on me. This message upset me so much that our parents had to meet with my teacher to keep the boys from 'harassing' me. I can honestly say that I used to lie in bed at night and pray to god to make the boys stop liking me. This was the beginning of my bad Valentine's experiences.
The junior high stage is kind of a blur. I can't recall any specific instances, good or bad. I do however, remember a LOT of drama between boys and girls in my grade. When I finally did begin to come out of my shell and like boys I was hit with the hard reality that sometimes they don't always like you back. This shouldn't have been a huge shock to me considering I was 5'7 and about 75 pounds, had braces and a very awkward hair cut, but the fact of the matter still hit me hard.
In high school things began to smooth out. I was dating and trying to act grown up even though I was completely clueless. I had a boyfriend but we never once went on Valentine's date. I remember crying on Valentine's Day my junior year because my studio had scheduled a mandatory dance rehearsal that night so I wouldn't be able to celebrate. Senior year brought about my first long distance relationship so I spent the holiday alone.
Ever since then I have not once gone on a single date on Valentine's day itself. Every year I spend weeks looking forward to the day but it always brings about disappointment. So today I decided that even though on paper Valentine's Day is still my favorite day of the year, in reality, it really is "just another day."


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