February is my least favorite month.
On Saturday I woke up with a lump in my throat. Over the course of the day, I swallowed it and the lump turned into a painful pit. For a week now it has grown in the base of my stomach, near that place where the butterflies live, eating away at me from the inside. Sometimes I feel it in my heart, skipping a quick beat. Other times it wonders my brain, distracting me from every-day life. At night I dream of it, haunting me.
Three years ago today I lost someone. I can't believe it's been three years. Even writing that feels like a fresh stab to my gut. How has so much time passed and yet it feels like it was just yesterday?
You may remember this post, from two years ago. For those of you who don't know anything about Tanner, I've decided to repost:
I have not blogged much about the loss of Tanner. Being the ex-girlfriend is an awkward position to be in. You assume people look at you as if you don't have a right to be upset, because things didn't work out. The hard part is, just because a relationship didn't last doesn't mean you weren't in love.
One year ago today my heart was shattered. When I heard the news it was as if my lungs collapsed. My brain went numb and I could have drowned in all the tears I shed. There is something about your first love that you never get over. I will always be in love with Tanner. I miss him every minute of every day. I missed him even before he was gone. Time has passed. Things have changed. The world is different. One year later and my heart still aches.
One year ago I wrote a letter to Tanner's parents with some of the amazing memories Tanner and I shared. For two years we lived a fairytale. We wrote a story I know Tanner, the ultimate romantic, was proud of. I have decided to share a little of that letter here, because what's the point of writing a perfect love story if it can't be read by others? Tanner, our HUGE book worm would have liked it that way.